Buck Up

I worked really hard today ...

My boss is such a jerk ...

My kids are driving me nuts ...

I am so completely stressed out ...

I deserve a treat! A cookie. A box of candy-covered popcorn. A mocha-frappuccino hazelnut vanilla bean latte with whipped-cream and caramel butterscotch sauce on it.
People, we all deserve treats, but that doesn’t mean we should have them.

But my day was so hard. I’ll feel deprived if I don’t indulge!

Oh, you’ll feel deprived like all those people who don’t live in the top 1% of wealth in the world? Like those people “over there” who don’t have clean drinking water, let alone butterscotch? You’ll feel deprived like they do, and that would be bad, right?

People, we don’t fill ourselves up with treats to keep ourselves happy. We fill ourselves up with treats to help us maintain distance from reality.

Walk down any Main Street into super-mall America and you’re walking into one of the most mass-marketed soul pacifying factories in existence. Banners and signs waving in Red White and Blue that read, “Make today special, try a new super-big cookie with sprinkles.”

Make today truly special, folks. Don’t buy yourself that treat for a change and see where that takes your imagination. Stop pacifying your spirit, set it on fire.

It's Got Nothing To Do With You

Here’s something you hear in New York frequently, “It’s got nothing to do with you.” You hear it on the street all the time, especially from people screaming on their cell phones.

But there is terrific truth to the phrase, “It’s got nothing to do with you.” It just means you shouldn’t take everything so darn personally. Nothing anyone in the world does has anything to do with you. Even if someone is doing something really terrific or even something really crappy to you, it has nothing to do with you. What someone else is doing, saying, thinking or feeling has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you.

The one thing we all have in common is that we’re always thinking of ourselves. Our actions, viewpoints and words have everything in the world to do with us and what we want and how we want others to see us.

It has nothing to do with you. And that’s a good thing.

I look forward to hearing your stories of immense personal struggle, and will continue to inspire you .

Toilet Paper People

There are some folks who always have toilet paper in the house, and then there are those who are completely baffled when the roll runs out and they suddenly find themselves using bits of the Crate and Barrel catalogs to finish up business.

Based on my extensive experience with people of all walks of life I can pretty much make this snap judgment:

People who

A) live alone

and who

B) always run out of toilet paper

are also people who

C) forget to buy pet food, chew with their mouths open and pick their noses in public.

I prefer to work with people who are prepared and aware, but usually I end up working with “Dude, what happened to the toilet paper?” types.

You know who you are. And you know you need to fix yourself so that you can become a marginally functioning person – they rest of us in this country can’t carry you forever.

So step up, grow up, and sign up to work with me one-on-one.

Face it, you need to do something. People are starting to talk and it’s time you know what they’re saying.

I’ll tell you what they’re saying, and I’ll help you change it.

Put Your Legs Together!

Dear Sandra,
I get so angry when guys sit on the subway with their legs
spread out really wide and don't move to make room when
I sit down. What should I do?

Pissed Off

Pissed,

I know how you feel. Rude people are EVERYWHERE! In the past I would have ripped their nuts off and tossed them onto the tracks for the rodents and vermin to enjoy. Those were the days!

But now, thanks to anger management, I usually just squeeze in next to them and start coughing without covering my mouth. Then I start talking about how my TB meds aren't working. Sometimes I sneeze and get as much spray on them as I can.

Once, I sat down in the guy's lap! I started telling him what I wanted for Christmas! Boy was he freaked out, and his legs snapped together like a nun's in a cathouse.

But it's best not to get violent, because that will get you arrested. (And honey, you don't want to be put into a holding cell in Manhattan. The hookers will steal your cornflakes.) Just remember, it's the holiday season and the tourists are putting everyone is in a bad mood. Hitting people will only start a riot. And while it's always the season to rip a rude person's nuts off -- it is illegal!

I look forward to hearing your stories of immense personal struggle and will continue to inspire you.

Loser Criminal

I got the following e-mail at PowerofSandra@aol.com, an e-mail address for you, my readers, to write in and touch base.

However, this e-mail is from some scam artist who claims to be "working" in London as a banker. I hope this person ends up spending as much time in prison as I did, if not more.

His ‘letter’ is in italics, my responses to his letter are in bold.

Allied Irish Bank Ltd,
14-16 Cockspur Street,
London , SW1Y 5BL.

Dear Friend,

Friend? Seriously? Who are you?

I was reading through your profile on the internet and found it interesting.

I bet you did.

Be so kind to contact me at your earliest convenient for a possible business deal involving money transfer of about £14.5 Million.

I don’t know who you are, but I won’t be contacting you at my earliest convenient. You are a criminal, and you are high on crack.

I am Roland Brown presently in London working as an investment consultant with the above bank at their London office. I am poised to work this deal out if we can do business. As at this moment, I am constrained to issue more details about this business until your response is received.

Oh, you’re Roland Brown and you are constrained to issue more details? I think you should be restrained with handcuffs and put in a hole with snakes.

As we have not met before, I will give you every details you need to know about me as we progress with the business.
I'm pretty sure I know every details I need to know about you. You are a criminal and your English is terrible.

I thank you for spearing moments of your very busy schedules to read my proposal. Send your response to my email address.:invest_2200@yahoo.com.hk

Thank you for spearing moments of your very poor English. Nice try, you loser criminal.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Thanks for reminding me of why I hated jail – because criminals are stupid, lazy crack heads.

Warmest regards,

Roland Brown

Kiss my butt,

Sandra O’Day

Transcript of a One-On-One Sandra O’Day Power Session

Sandra O’Day: Let’s get to the bottom of all this whining.  
Client: I don’t mean to whine, I’m just not happy.
Sandra O’Day: Tell me exactly what it is you want. What is it that you feel you don’t have now that would make your life better.  
Client: I want to be married.  
Sandra O’Day: Fine. Now imagine that you’re married.
Client: OK.  
Sandra O’Day: What do you have as a married person that you don’t have now?  
Client: A husband.  
Sandra O’Day: Right. A husband. So what does a husband give you that you don’t have right now?
Client: Sex.  
Sandra O’Day: Uh-huh. What else?
Client: Companionship.  
Sandra O’Day: What else? 
Client: Money.  
Sandra O’Day: OK. I need you to listen to yourself. You tell me that what you need to make your life better is a husband.  
Client: Yes.
Sandra O’Day: You want a husband for sex, companionship and money.  
Client: Yes.
Sandra O’Day: You don’t need a husband. You need a vibrator, a cat and an ATM machine. Give yourself the things you want. Don’t dump it onto someone else.

Facebook Bitchin'

Lots of folks sure are complaining about the changes to Facebook.

“Why do I have to switch to timeline?”

“Why are they always changing it?”

“Why can’t they leave it like it was when I joined in 2008? Everything was so much better then.”

PEOPLE!

Take a little time and figure out a newish format. It’s not radical change. It’s not like you have to relearn how to drive your car with your hands or fold towels with only your feet.

Honestly, if you can’t handle minor change from a free (FREE) online service then what the hay-ho are you going to do when real change comes?

Here's something you can do. Contact the Red Cross and make a donation to those folks who had their entire lives blown apart by those ding-dang tornadoes today. It's easier than timeline. You just click. You know, like shopping but for other people.

How ‘bout that?

Donate here