The "Not My Fault" Game

The “Not My Fault Game” happens when you pretend you don’t have control over your own affairs. It often sounds like this, “You didn’t wake me up on time!” “You didn’t pack the toothpaste!” “You didn’t remind me that your crazy family was visiting this weekend.”

Here’s another example:

You look outside and say to yourself, “Hmm, it sure does look like rain.” But you don’t trust your instincts so you switch on The Weather Channel, but The Weather Channel is too busy playing scary music and pondering what would happen if a hurricane hit Kansas that they don’t mention your local forecast. At all.

So even though you think it looks like rain, you don’t “burden” yourself with an umbrella because the TV didn’t tell you to. Then, when you get drenched in a torrential downpour you’re mad at the weather person. You blame The Weather Channel because you were too lazy to think for yourself and take an umbrella on a day when it looks like it’s going to rain!

People, keep track of your own schedule. Balance your bankbook. Grab an umbrella. Follow your instincts and stop sloughing your responsibility onto other people. Step up to the plate and think for yourself.

Get Out of the Worry Game!

Worry is pointless. Even crazy fundamentalists of any stripe will tell you that. “Let go and let God,” they say. It works for them. Some people whisper to little worry dolls at night choosing to shift their burdens to tiny pieces of straw wearing clothes. Some folks stick pins in a pillow stuffed with lavender. Others light Glade Scented Candles and have a cocktail while they soak in a bubble bath crying and listening to Pasty Cline. If it works, good for you. There is more than one way to ditch worry.

Worry will never, ever work in a positive way.

Do you know what you’re trying to do when you worry? Prevent bad things from happening. But you can’t. So don’t try. Worry is pointless.

If you worry over what could be, trying to imagine what might happen, you are not thinking about the future. You are writing a play. A worry play. Stop. It’s not interesting, useful or productive.

Get out of the worry game.


I look forward to hearing your stories of immense personal struggle, and will continue to inspire you.

"Inspiration"

Those of you who work with me, read my books or even merely read my blog on a regular basis know that I hate the frou-frou world of “inspiration.” This “inspiration” tends to be made up almost entirely of potpourri-smelling teddy bears with nifty saying on their t-shirts, refrigerator magnets, and various mugs, posters, cards and other cheap crap made in China.

Here’s an “inspirational” quote from a mug I found in one of those balloon-filled shit shops.

At last the ladder,
which had been built
slowly, slowy
one hope at a time
reached up to the clouds.
And the dreamer began to climb.

You’re building a ladder with hopes? Hopes? Why not build a ladder with goals? Or planning? Or WOOD!

Yeah, I bet that ladder was built slowly.

It reached up to the clouds? Why do you want to go there? What is that ladder resting on? What is it you’re looking for in the CLOUDS? How ‘bout you pull that dreaming head of yours out of your butt and get to work right here on the GROUND where you can actually make something happen.

And the dreamer began to climb? Yeah, climb away from responsibility and common sense.

People! Set some goals! Make a map of where you want to be and work to get there. The only thing you’re going to get in the clouds is humidity. And maybe hit by an airplane.

Click here for inspiration:

Can’t and Drunkle

I made the mistake of letting guilt rule my mind this weekend and I took a long bus ride to the land of the toothless. The land where people think Mountain Dew is the perfect beverage, even for the baby.

I went to visit my hillbilly “Aunt who Can’t” and “Drunken Uncle”. Or, as I like to think of them, my Can’t and Drunkle.

Why did I go? Because I thought I should help them. I thought I might be able to apply some Sandra O’Day “Can-Do” to their situation.

Note to self: don’t try to help if no one has asked. Especially in a family situation.

When I arrived my Drunkle was passed out, so he was the most charming person I dealt with. My Can’t was wearing a “house coat.”

Can’t: Oh, Sandy honey, I’m sorry I’m wearing this old house coat, but I just can’t put on any clothes today.

Sandra O’Day: Why not?

Can’t: They just don’t fit me right no more.

Sandra O’Day: Why don’t you buy bigger clothes?

Can’t: I ain’t got no money.

Sandra O’Day: So lose a little weight.

Can’t: I can’t, my diabetes makes it too hard.

At this point my Aunt who Can’t drank an entire Mountain Dew in one gulp. I’m surprised she didn’t eat the can.

Sandra O’Day: Tell you what, I’ll go to the store with you and buy you some new clothes.

Can’t: Ohhh, fancy city girl thinks she’s too good to spend time with her Auntie who wears house coats. Is that what they teach you in the big city? Is that what happens when you move to a big city in a big building with running water and electricity at the pull of a string?

It went on like this for most of the day. I questioned my own sanity for visiting. I tried not to smash my head repeatedly against a tree when my most humiliating childhood stories were told and retold again and again and again. The highpoint of the day was turning my Drunkel on his side when he vomited so he wouldn’t aspirate.

At the end of the evening, when I asked for a ride back to the bus station this is what I got:

Can’t: Ohhh, Sandy. You don’t never pay us visits no more. Why don’t you never visit us?

Sandra O’Day: I’m visiting you now.

Can’t: You should visit more often. I don’t know why you don’t visit us more often. Your uncle misses you so much ...

Sandra O’Day: He’s been passed out since I got here six hours ago.

Can’t: No he ain’t! He misses you! He wants you to come visit ...

The “why don’t you never visit” conversation went on until I was boarding the bus.

On the bus ride home I sat next to a vegan who clipped her nails almost the entire time. Toes and fingers. I’m guessing she’s a long-lost cousin.

Lesson learned: You don’t have to visit anyone who’s completely insane and living a toxic life because you think you Should. When you think you Should you’re just trying to make yourself feel better by wanting to change someone else's situation. Your Should will only make you feel worse.

Don’t Should all over yourself.

Fat Neighbor

GOYA!


My neighbor in New York City is a very large, unhealthy, junk food addict. She works from home, so she rarely leaves her small apartment.

We New Yorkers live in the most convenient city in the word –- a city where you can have anything delivered, and my neighbor most certainly has everything delivered.

She even had an exercise ball delivered, which popped soon after she sat on it. She was disappointed not because it popped, but because she had hired somebody to blow it up for her and wasted the money.

Recently she adopted a scrappy looking dog. Dogs need to be taken for walks on a regular basis. Amazingly, my neighbor is doing this chore herself, and I think she may be dropping some pounds.

I saw her on the street the other day and had the following conversation:

Sandra O'Day: Hey Neighbor! Cute dog. What's his name?

Big Neighbor: I named him Goya.

Sandra O’Day: Because you like Goya beans and food products?

(Silence)

Big Neighbor: No. It’s an acronym. Goya stands for Get Off Your Ass.

Sandra O’Day: I’m stealing that from you.

Big Neighbor: Take it and run with it, O’Day.

Do it folks! G.O.Y.A.!