Toilet Paper People

There are some folks who always have toilet paper in the house, and then there are those who are completely baffled when the roll runs out and they suddenly find themselves using bits of the Crate and Barrel catalogs to finish up business.

Based on my extensive experience with people of all walks of life I can pretty much make this snap judgment:

People who

A) live alone

and who

B) always run out of toilet paper

are also people who

C) forget to buy pet food, chew with their mouths open and pick their noses in public.

I prefer to work with people who are prepared and aware, but usually I end up working with “Dude, what happened to the toilet paper?” types.

You know who you are. And you know you need to fix yourself so that you can become a marginally functioning person – they rest of us in this country can’t carry you forever.

So step up, grow up, and sign up to work with me one-on-one.

Face it, you need to do something. People are starting to talk and it’s time you know what they’re saying.

I’ll tell you what they’re saying, and I’ll help you change it.

Put Your Legs Together!

Dear Sandra,
I get so angry when guys sit on the subway with their legs
spread out really wide and don't move to make room when
I sit down. What should I do?

Pissed Off

Pissed,

I know how you feel. Rude people are EVERYWHERE! In the past I would have ripped their nuts off and tossed them onto the tracks for the rodents and vermin to enjoy. Those were the days!

But now, thanks to anger management, I usually just squeeze in next to them and start coughing without covering my mouth. Then I start talking about how my TB meds aren't working. Sometimes I sneeze and get as much spray on them as I can.

Once, I sat down in the guy's lap! I started telling him what I wanted for Christmas! Boy was he freaked out, and his legs snapped together like a nun's in a cathouse.

But it's best not to get violent, because that will get you arrested. (And honey, you don't want to be put into a holding cell in Manhattan. The hookers will steal your cornflakes.) Just remember, it's the holiday season and the tourists are putting everyone is in a bad mood. Hitting people will only start a riot. And while it's always the season to rip a rude person's nuts off -- it is illegal!

I look forward to hearing your stories of immense personal struggle and will continue to inspire you.