Toilet Paper People

There are some folks who always have toilet paper in the house, and then there are those who are completely baffled when the roll runs out and they suddenly find themselves using bits of the Crate and Barrel catalogs to finish up business.

Based on my extensive experience with people of all walks of life I can pretty much make this snap judgment:

People who

A) live alone

and who

B) always run out of toilet paper

are also people who

C) forget to buy pet food, chew with their mouths open and pick their noses in public.

I prefer to work with people who are prepared and aware, but usually I end up working with “Dude, what happened to the toilet paper?” types.

You know who you are. And you know you need to fix yourself so that you can become a marginally functioning person – they rest of us in this country can’t carry you forever.

So step up, grow up, and sign up to work with me one-on-one.

Face it, you need to do something. People are starting to talk and it’s time you know what they’re saying.

I’ll tell you what they’re saying, and I’ll help you change it.

Put Your Legs Together!

Dear Sandra,
I get so angry when guys sit on the subway with their legs
spread out really wide and don't move to make room when
I sit down. What should I do?

Pissed Off

Pissed,

I know how you feel. Rude people are EVERYWHERE! In the past I would have ripped their nuts off and tossed them onto the tracks for the rodents and vermin to enjoy. Those were the days!

But now, thanks to anger management, I usually just squeeze in next to them and start coughing without covering my mouth. Then I start talking about how my TB meds aren't working. Sometimes I sneeze and get as much spray on them as I can.

Once, I sat down in the guy's lap! I started telling him what I wanted for Christmas! Boy was he freaked out, and his legs snapped together like a nun's in a cathouse.

But it's best not to get violent, because that will get you arrested. (And honey, you don't want to be put into a holding cell in Manhattan. The hookers will steal your cornflakes.) Just remember, it's the holiday season and the tourists are putting everyone is in a bad mood. Hitting people will only start a riot. And while it's always the season to rip a rude person's nuts off -- it is illegal!

I look forward to hearing your stories of immense personal struggle and will continue to inspire you.

Loser Criminal

I got the following e-mail at PowerofSandra@aol.com, an e-mail address for you, my readers, to write in and touch base.

However, this e-mail is from some scam artist who claims to be "working" in London as a banker. I hope this person ends up spending as much time in prison as I did, if not more.

His ‘letter’ is in italics, my responses to his letter are in bold.

Allied Irish Bank Ltd,
14-16 Cockspur Street,
London , SW1Y 5BL.

Dear Friend,

Friend? Seriously? Who are you?

I was reading through your profile on the internet and found it interesting.

I bet you did.

Be so kind to contact me at your earliest convenient for a possible business deal involving money transfer of about £14.5 Million.

I don’t know who you are, but I won’t be contacting you at my earliest convenient. You are a criminal, and you are high on crack.

I am Roland Brown presently in London working as an investment consultant with the above bank at their London office. I am poised to work this deal out if we can do business. As at this moment, I am constrained to issue more details about this business until your response is received.

Oh, you’re Roland Brown and you are constrained to issue more details? I think you should be restrained with handcuffs and put in a hole with snakes.

As we have not met before, I will give you every details you need to know about me as we progress with the business.
I'm pretty sure I know every details I need to know about you. You are a criminal and your English is terrible.

I thank you for spearing moments of your very busy schedules to read my proposal. Send your response to my email address.:invest_2200@yahoo.com.hk

Thank you for spearing moments of your very poor English. Nice try, you loser criminal.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Thanks for reminding me of why I hated jail – because criminals are stupid, lazy crack heads.

Warmest regards,

Roland Brown

Kiss my butt,

Sandra O’Day

Transcript of a One-On-One Sandra O’Day Power Session

Sandra O’Day: Let’s get to the bottom of all this whining.  
Client: I don’t mean to whine, I’m just not happy.
Sandra O’Day: Tell me exactly what it is you want. What is it that you feel you don’t have now that would make your life better.  
Client: I want to be married.  
Sandra O’Day: Fine. Now imagine that you’re married.
Client: OK.  
Sandra O’Day: What do you have as a married person that you don’t have now?  
Client: A husband.  
Sandra O’Day: Right. A husband. So what does a husband give you that you don’t have right now?
Client: Sex.  
Sandra O’Day: Uh-huh. What else?
Client: Companionship.  
Sandra O’Day: What else? 
Client: Money.  
Sandra O’Day: OK. I need you to listen to yourself. You tell me that what you need to make your life better is a husband.  
Client: Yes.
Sandra O’Day: You want a husband for sex, companionship and money.  
Client: Yes.
Sandra O’Day: You don’t need a husband. You need a vibrator, a cat and an ATM machine. Give yourself the things you want. Don’t dump it onto someone else.

Facebook Bitchin'

Lots of folks sure are complaining about the changes to Facebook.

“Why do I have to switch to timeline?”

“Why are they always changing it?”

“Why can’t they leave it like it was when I joined in 2008? Everything was so much better then.”

PEOPLE!

Take a little time and figure out a newish format. It’s not radical change. It’s not like you have to relearn how to drive your car with your hands or fold towels with only your feet.

Honestly, if you can’t handle minor change from a free (FREE) online service then what the hay-ho are you going to do when real change comes?

Here's something you can do. Contact the Red Cross and make a donation to those folks who had their entire lives blown apart by those ding-dang tornadoes today. It's easier than timeline. You just click. You know, like shopping but for other people.

How ‘bout that?

Donate here

Why New Yorkers Are "Rude"

New York City is now the world's top tourist destination. And apparently the tourists are whining up a storm because they've voted New York City as the "rudest" city in the world. But that doesn't stop visitors from coming. No, our town is a busy place PACKED with tourists! And while we love them, sometimes they need a little help. Here are a few pointers for our very welcomed guests:

Top 10 List for Tourists in New York City

1) You need to be fit enough to walk at least two miles in order to get around New York. Certainly there are accommodations for people in wheelchairs, but for those of you who are “able-bodied” but who spend most of your time in your hometown sitting in a chair, on a couch, or in your car, you might want to exercise a little before you get here. New York is a city of sidewalks and stairs, and most of us walk at least a mile a day just running errands and going to and from the subway. And to get in and out of the subway you’re going to have to go up and down stairs. Several flights of stairs per subway trip.

2) Don’t stop at the top of the subway stairs. There are lots and lots of people behind you. When you stop ALL the people behind you have to stop, and they will send you waves of hate for slowing them down. Remember, millions of people actually live here and they’re trying to get to work, or get home, or pick up their kids from school, or just get somewhere. Keep moving, and pull over to the side if you need to catch your breath or look at a map.

3) Ask a New Yorker for directions. We really love our city, even when it’s driving us crazy. We like to show off our knowledge. It doesn’t matter if we look cranky or absorbed in thought, ask a New Yorker for directions. (But not if someone is trying to talk on a cell phone. Seriously, that’s just bad manners.) Chances are, when you ask for assistance, the person you ask will know how to help and then two or three other New Yorkers will pipe in with suggestions, and you’ll end up getting great directions plus extra tidbits of advice.

4) It’s a sidewalk. A Side WALK. Sidewalks are like highways here in New York City, you need to keep moving. When you STOP suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk people behind you will walk up your butt or knock you over, and it isn’t anybody’s fault but your own. Those people behind you who do stop in time will send you hate vibes. When you stop suddenly in the middle of a sidewalk here in New York City you create a barrier for the hundreds of people behind you. So if you really need to stop you should pull over to the side, just like you would if you were driving on a highway. If you stop in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk you come off as rude and stupid.

5) Revolving doors are not brain-teasers. There are many revolving doors here in the city and they’re not that hard to figure out. You push on the push bar, and you go through one at a time. If you wedge your patootie in with some stranger in a revolving door you are going to be lectured, at the very least. If you are unsure of how to use a revolving door, best to watch others do it, then try for yourself.

6) Tip. If you go to a restaurant leave the waiter a tip. To calculate the appropriate amount look at your bill, double the amount shown on the tax, and leave it for the waiter. Don’t be cheap!

7) Go to the theater! We have some great shows here, on and off Broadway! Make sure you turn off your cell phone before the show, and never text during a show. If you see someone texting during a show you should kick their chair and cause a ruckus. People who text during a show get arrested and have to spend at least 24 hours lost in the New York judicial system -- and they deserve it! Also, it’s illegal to take photos during a show. Just a head’s up.

8) Don’t stop. When you go through a turnstile, keep moving. When you go through the metro entrance, keep moving. When you enter a building, a museum, a theater, keep moving. Just because you’ve crossed a threshold doesn’t mean there aren’t people behind you. What kind of silly-nilly stops in a doorway?! Keep moving!

9) Walking four or five across is a bad idea. We all understand you’re visiting with family and friends, but to walk shoulder to shoulder with all those people is selfish. There is no need to form a slow-moving barrier. Clump it up, and help keep our city moving.

10) Keep Moving. Unless you’re from Mexico City or Hong Kong or a city where people walk rather than drive from strip mall to strip mall, there are a lot more people here than you’re used to. Try to enjoy the hustle and flow. Our city is like a heart, and the people are the blood running through the veins. Don’t be system-threatening plaque that clogs things and causes trouble. Get into the music of being a part of our crowd. Don’t stop dancing, go with the flow.

And hey, tourists, we're not rude we're direct. We have places to go and people to see. If you're looking for chatty and smiley all the ding-dong day this is not where you want to be. We're not all on vacation here. Enjoy your stay.

Work Harder

Sometimes you have to work harder.

Some people have to work harder at losing weight. Doesn’t matter why, could be compulsive overeating or a glandular thing, whatever. But some folks have to work harder than the rest of us to drop those extra pounds.

Some people have to work harder at getting a job. Some people have to work harder to make friends. Some have to work harder not to pick their noses in public.

I have to work harder than most people at not losing my temper. It’s challenging for me to keep a lid on things. There is so much ineptitude and rudeness in our world. Keeping my cool is especially difficult when I challenge all of my readers to send me a list of their everyday gripes and only one reader – ONE – actually sent me a gripe.

And do you know what that ONE person’s gripe was?!

“aaawww... do I have to write them down!? All of 'em? ...waahhh”

Good for you, Joan Palmeri. Well done. Well played. You jokingly wrote down a gripe. But at least you wrote something down and sent it in. Good for you. You get to wear a tiara for 15 whole minutes.

As for the rest of you “readers and not doers” -- I didn’t realize you were all so perfectly content. You must have perfect lives and careers and relationships. I didn’t know you were all so heaped with heartfelt, genuine gratitude that you have no minor complaints about your lives at all! Good for you! You’re practically fucking Buddhas.

I am punching you in the face with sarcasm right now, people, but only because I can’t actually reach you through your screen and slap you.

ONE GRIPE, folks. ONE. You can facebook me – I’m Sandra O’Day on facebook or you can email me at PowerOfSandra@aol.com

Unless of course you don’t know how to write. But that’s a developing nation problem. So you probably know how to write. I bet you know how to, “txt 2 ur frieeennnds LOL!!!!! OMFG ROTFL!”

Impressive.

Get on it, people. I will come after you.

Phony Sunshine

Last week I challenged my readers to keep a “Whinery,” a daily diary of their petty complaints. Why a Whinery? Why not a “Gratitude Journal?”

Why? Because I’m not Oprah. I’m Sandra O’Day, an ex-con motivational speaker, flawed with anger management issues.

I’m sick to death of everyone’s “Sunshine Act.”

I admit I am a mostly grateful person -- my apartment has electricity and clean running water, which is better than 90% of the world is doing. But I also know that the small gripes in life are the things that will give your “Cheery Sunshine Face” gangrene and force you to amputate if you don’t deal with them.

Let’s strive to be more emotionally adventurous. Let’s look at our ridiculous gripes so that our “attitude of gratitude” comes from someplace real. Someplace examined and earned. Spill the beans of your ugly over-privileged life and point and laugh. It’s good for all of us.

Otherwise you’re just spraying perfume on your perineum and calling it clean.

Get on that Whinery, folks. It’s time to share.

Happy New Year -– Start a Whinery

A Dialogue


Sandra O'Day
2011 was one tough year, I’ll give you that. But boy oh boy am I sick of your whining and complaining.

You
Who, me?

Sandra O’Day
Yes. You.

You
But Sandra, I post my attitude of gratitude all over Facebook and Twitter! I’m no whiner!

Sandra O’Day
Hey whiney baby, you merely use “The Sunshine Act” to avoid powerful motivational fuel. It’s like using lead-based makeup to cover up syphilis marks like the French Aristocracy did back in the late 1700s.

You
What?

Sandra O’Day
Whiner! I challenge you to start a Diary of Whining. A Whinery.

You
A Whinery?

Sandra O’Day
Yes! Do it for one week. Every little bitchy, complaining thought you have, jot it down and then send me your choicest notes from your Whinery.

You
Where do I send it?

Sandra O’Day
Message me on Facebook, or email me at PowerofSandra@aol.com.
Happy New Year.